So, planning a poker night, are we?
That sounds like fun. Getting the buffalo wings ready, everyone brings beer and other controlled substances, telling jokes and playing cards. Just a good, ol’ fashion night with the gang, right?
Wrong. This is what actually happens:
1. That married friend who told you “he’s definitely in”? He won’t come.
Don’t believe the hype. If one of your married friends just had “A super urgent thing but next time he’s definitely in”- That’s married life rearing it’s ugly, dirty-diapered head. And he won’t definitely come next time either, you fool.
2. Even if you’re a 40-year old father living with his family, at some point your parents are going to come downstairs and scream at you to be quiet.
This is a true scientific enigma – It’s like they sonar hearing for the sound of chips hitting tables or something.
Seriously, you could be having a cocaine extravaganza with Skrillex bumping in the background on your brand new monster speakers – and nothing. But once that chip touches the wooden table – They jump out of bed like a sleeper agent hearing a code word.
3. No matter how much you try to fight it, someone will ALWAYS come without money, say “Hey, let me in, I’m good for it”, and NEVER come up with that money, ever.
This is also known as the “I’m a sucky, sucky friend” syndrome.
Why this still happens in a world full of ATMs and irresponsible overdrafts – on one knows.
4. That one person who’s “Not really that into poker, but just came to hang” will ruin everything.
Whatever you do, DO NOT let that person in. It’s a trap.
They’ll start off quiet, then become enthusiastic (In a bad way), then discouraged and irritating, until eventually you’ll find yourself watching Grey’s Anatomy while playing a few hands during commercial breaks. We hate you, John.
5. Someone you thought was a good person will spill beer on your table and expect you to clean it.
6. When you come back home late, drunk and without any money, someone’s gonna be really pissed.
That is why poker-loving mathematicians invented “The Pokerthagoras Rule”:
The number of times you won = The number of times you told your girlfriend you won / How late you got home * How drunk you were coming in.
This equation has been proven to be mathematically accurate through centuries of statistic analysis and stuff.
Get Poker Friends – That way you can have a poker night with your friends without actually having to meet them.
*** Got any more dark truths? Tell us about it in the comments!